It's not easy...

When I first decided I would blog about my experience with bladder cancer I had absolutely no idea what a job it would be.  No one prepared me for the weakness, the loss of dignity, or the pain, especially in my bones. The pain has been incredible.  The chemo drugs cause bone pain, and so does the medicine they give you to protect the bones.

All these drugs, along with the cancer itself, cause severe fatigue.  I am so weak I cannot stand alone.  Juan has to get me up and down.  Just brushing my teeth causes me to lose my breath.

Then, there are the "little" irritations...like the PET scan provider called to say they cannot do my scan because my Specialist has not sent my PMD the necessary clinical information to obtain authorization for the PET scan.  God in heaven, I'm dying from bladder cancer.  What else do you need to know?

I have been wondering why my Lyrica, which I take for nerve pain, wasn't kicking in to stop the spasms in my legs and groin.  Then it dawned on me...they ordered me Neurontin, not Lyrica.  They are similar drugs, but different in how they work.  Neurontin doesn't treat nerve spasms the same way Lyrica does.  It's a cheaper drug, and it comes as a generic, so the hospitalist changed my medication.  I wish SHE could sit on a cattle prod while it is activated.  

There is the total loss of self esteem and dignity.  Those of you who know me know I have always been a fighter.  Everything I have ever had I had to fight for.  Now, I'm almost helpless to do even the simplest things.  It's embarrassing, it's demeaning, it's horrible. 

I know Macho Man doesn't mind being the nurse. I mind him being the nurse.  I mind him having to dress me.  I mind him having to move my leg for me.  I mind him having to empty the bedside commode, or help me turn over in the bed, or to get up.

This is not life.  This is misery.  I'm going to complain, scream, holler.  

Even so, I am blessed.